Today I watched one fill his fists with gravel
and then open them over the sidewalk.
The gravel went everywhere except the designated gravel-place.
That was at the park.
There were a lot of weird kids there with their normal parents.
Given what we all suspect to be true about heritability,
it's a wonder parents take their kids anywhere.
My hands and forearms were cold, but it
was nice to read in the sun anyway.
I only got interrupted by an errant frisbee once.
Now I'm writing this in my warm car in the parking lot.
It's a sort of halfway house for the reluctant park-leaver.
you could play with order and format to convey what you want to.. perhaps combine the first & fourth stanza, replace "hands" with fists, ie:
ReplyDelete"Kids are so weird.
Today I watched one fill his fists with gravel
and then open them over the sidewalk.
My fists and forearms were cold, but it
was nice to read in the sun anyway.
The gravel went everywhere except the designated gravel-place.
That was at the park."
In this example the "My fists.../was nice" lines could be set off to the side a bit.
also, i don't think you need "warm" in the second to last line of this.. just ideas.
I like the tone. My favorite line was the last one. I love that the work uses bare-bones description and a sort of in-different tone but still manages to draw us into the scene and into the mind of the narrator. However, I'm left wanting to know more about her/him...
Are you likening "The gravel went everywhere except the designated gravel-place" to the line in the next stanza about heredity? I love it. gravel everywhere=kids, designated gravel-place=parents.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely one poem, except the last couplet isn't cohesive. But it can be! Idea- 'reading in the sun' could refer to you 'the subject' reading the scene like a book: At first, you're in it yourself, but eventually distance yourself to the car as a 'reluctant park-leaver'. You'd maybe need to lengthen it if you decide to run with the idea. I know I bitch about Noah reworking poems, but forgive me... Here's what I see:
Kids are so weird.
Today I watched one fill his fists with gravel
then open them.
The gravel went everywhere but the designated gravel-place.
That was on the sidewalk.
My hands and forearms were cold, but it was
nice to read
in the sun anyway:
There were weird kids with normal parents.
And given what we suspect true of heritability,
it's a wonder parents take their kids anywhere
-even to the park.
I read that from my car-
a sort of halfway house for the reluctant park-leaver.
the second to last stanza was meant to be indented, like an excerpt
ReplyDelete